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Monday, July 31, 2017
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Saturday, July 29, 2017
The Trip So Far: After Week 1
I'm on Day 9, and a lot has happened so far, and I've learned a lot.
When I started the draft for this post it was on Day 4, and I was in a lot worse mood than I'm in today. I was tired. Really tired. I needed actual sleep. I had only slept in my car or camped, and my sleep quality (and length) was pretty poor. It was wearing me down. I had a night that I went to sleep in a horrible mood, but thankfully got some decent sleep, and things have improved since then. I've now had two successful couch surfs and am starting to figure out how to go about it setting them up smarter. Hopefully from here on it will go a little better. If I ended up having to sleep in my car every night, I think I would have probably gotten more and more miserable and maybe ended up calling it quits. Thankfully, it's changing.
The problem I was having in the beginning was not planning far enough ahead. And unfortunately, that's kind of the nature of this trip. Lots of things are going to be last-minute. But I was getting only "declined," or no response at all. Now that I'll have a few references, and I decided to go ahead with the verification payment, that should help. I'm also going to try to "plan" 3-4 days in advance.
Which, is confusing, because I'm still planning where I'm going and what I'm doing in each area either the day of, or a day before. I think I have to; I'm covering too much ground to plan every little thing long in advance. I could have before I took off, I suppose, but that alone might have taken weeks, and then the whole spontaneity aspect of the trip is gone. So I'm going to plan which areas I'm in a few days in advance, but then make actual plans for each area while I'm there (or shortly before).
So that was a big part of my earlier stress. I was too unorganized and was making bad planning decisions. I spent longer than I intended in Thunder Bay, ON, and it was largely because I hadn't really thought of where I wanted to go in the area. The first night was basically a waste. I spent too much time looking for WiFi, criss-crossing the town, I backtracked a long way to camp, etc. So I did learn some lessons there. Plan sights in a way that makes sense so I can do it with a route that doesn't overlap and add a lot of extra mileage. Keep going roughly in the "right" direction with minimal backtracking.
Plan enough in advance so I have an idea of what I'm doing, at least, and work out the finer details as needed.
(It does feel weird the way I'm sight-seeing, though. It's basic tourist stuff, mostly, but being alone feels strange. I go into a place, take some pictures, and leave. I don't feel like I'm fully appreciating each place -- but I am? I don't know. It's weird. I think a lot of what makes any experience what it is is who you share it with. If I was with family or friends, I would be sharing each experience with them. But I'm alone. Yeah, I'm posting much of what I see on social media, so I'm sharing that way -- but it's pretty artificial. I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with this.)
Spending too much time in Thunder Bay also made me realize that I kind of need to keep moving. Yes, obviously I can stick around in an area for a few days and see what I want to see, but I also need keep moving. So early in the trip, if I'm ever going to get anywhere I need to keep going. I need to do some driving most days.
But on the flip-side, I might have moved through Minnesota too fast, and not explored as much as I would have liked. But I guess a bad mood and poor sleep and way too much happening in my head contributed to that.
So there is also an element of quality versus quantity I have to work out. I can spend a lot of time in every area and see each and every little spot -- or, I can spend less time, though get some time in each area while still heading in the planned direction. It's a little confusing, but I'm starting to figure it out.
Canada was especially bad for this, since I had no native cell service at all, but the trip is going to be one WiFi hotspot to the next, to an extent. I have been picking up paper maps as I enter each new state (or province), but Google maps and other websites are kind of my lifeline. And also for communication.
Something is always charging. My phone has been dying so fast. It's plugged in while I'm in the car pretty much constantly. My old phone, which I use for music, also needs charging every few days. My laptop keeps a charge for a long time, so I have been able to use it sitting in my car connected to wifi or something, but in libraries and at my surfs I've been making sure it stays charged. And I also bought, last minute, an external battery pack which is great. If I know I'm going to be away from my car for a while, I can throw the battery pack in my bag and I'll be able to charge my phone off of it.
After a few kind of dark days, when it felt like I wasn't enjoying myself, things are getting brighter. The clouds are parting. The reality of being away from home, alone, has set in and I think I've come to terms with it. I might not see every little bit of each area I go through, but I will be able to see lots and lots. It's definitely a learning experience, but I think I might be having fun.
Canada was especially bad for this, since I had no native cell service at all, but the trip is going to be one WiFi hotspot to the next, to an extent. I have been picking up paper maps as I enter each new state (or province), but Google maps and other websites are kind of my lifeline. And also for communication.
Something is always charging. My phone has been dying so fast. It's plugged in while I'm in the car pretty much constantly. My old phone, which I use for music, also needs charging every few days. My laptop keeps a charge for a long time, so I have been able to use it sitting in my car connected to wifi or something, but in libraries and at my surfs I've been making sure it stays charged. And I also bought, last minute, an external battery pack which is great. If I know I'm going to be away from my car for a while, I can throw the battery pack in my bag and I'll be able to charge my phone off of it.
After a few kind of dark days, when it felt like I wasn't enjoying myself, things are getting brighter. The clouds are parting. The reality of being away from home, alone, has set in and I think I've come to terms with it. I might not see every little bit of each area I go through, but I will be able to see lots and lots. It's definitely a learning experience, but I think I might be having fun.
"This is it. If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been." My Samwise Moment.
With my drive last night, I think I'm officially the furthest West I've ever been. As a kid we went to Louisiana, and I think were in the Shreveport area. I'm now in Sioux Falls, SD.
Two days ago I had a pretty rough time. I was homesick and overwhelmed with a very "fish out of water" feeling. And there was also this idea; I was almost as far west as I had ever been. It was a weird, yet significant, mental block. I did a similar thing at the Canadian border. I spent an hour or more in Sault Ste. Marie, MI -- for almost no reason.
My host the other day called it my Samwise Gamgee moment, and I thought the comparison was hilariously accurate. That was just the beginning of their adventure.
Thankfully a few nights of good sleep have done a lot for my mood and my clarity. But it's still a milestone of sorts, even if it's not truly that significant.
Today or tomorrow (not positive yet) I'll continue on across South Dakota. I'll hopefully spend one or two nights in the wilderness of Badlands National Park, and then hopefully a couch in Rapid City, SD. Then, continuing westward.
Hopefully I don't end up at Mt. Doom -- but if I do, that'd actually be kind of awesome.
Day 8 - A couch to surf on. Or sleep, I guess. #tonygoesonaroadtrip #roadtrip #southdakota #couchsurfing
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Day 8 - I'm in South Dakota now. #tonygoesonaroadtrip #roadtrip #southdakota #bordercrossing
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Friday, July 28, 2017
Day 8 - InterlAchen #tonygoesonaroadtrip #roadtrip #ohlookimalmosthome
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First Couchsurfing Success!
So the past two nights I've been staying in a stranger's home. Weird, right? My earliest attempts were not working well, I think largely because of my lack of references and my poor planning, er, um, let's call it "spontaneity" -- every request was being denied.
However, thanks to one small bit of foresight I had, I had a "public trip" listed to Minneapolis, and someone messaged me offering me a place to crash. At this point I had been sleeping in my car mostly, plus one night camping, and I was not getting good sleep at all. Sleeping indoors with like, actual cushioning beneath me....
It's been an ... well, it's been an interesting experience, for reasons I might get into another day. But there's been a little wiener dog I've gotten to hang out with (he's sleeping on my lap right now), which has been great for my mind. My host is super laid back, very accommodating, has given me encouragement and advice. Strangely we've both seen each other in not so good moments (she's dealing with a crisis, I'm dealing with being away from home and alone), so it's been a crash-course in getting to know a stranger in two days. But overall, I think, good.
So it's been great, and hopefully I'll get a reference, and then I can also start to plan at least slightly better and send requests 3-4 days before I intend on being in an area, and hopefully stay on top of the wave, so to speak.
However, thanks to one small bit of foresight I had, I had a "public trip" listed to Minneapolis, and someone messaged me offering me a place to crash. At this point I had been sleeping in my car mostly, plus one night camping, and I was not getting good sleep at all. Sleeping indoors with like, actual cushioning beneath me....
It's been an ... well, it's been an interesting experience, for reasons I might get into another day. But there's been a little wiener dog I've gotten to hang out with (he's sleeping on my lap right now), which has been great for my mind. My host is super laid back, very accommodating, has given me encouragement and advice. Strangely we've both seen each other in not so good moments (she's dealing with a crisis, I'm dealing with being away from home and alone), so it's been a crash-course in getting to know a stranger in two days. But overall, I think, good.
So it's been great, and hopefully I'll get a reference, and then I can also start to plan at least slightly better and send requests 3-4 days before I intend on being in an area, and hopefully stay on top of the wave, so to speak.
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Day 7 - Minnehaha Falls #tonygoesonaroadtrip #roadtrip #minnesota #minneapolis #waterfall
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Day 7 - Minneapolis Sculpture Garden #tonygoesonaroadtrip #roadtrip #minnesota #minneapolis
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Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Day 6 - Hammerheart #tonygoesonaroadtrip #roadtrip #minnesota #beer #metal
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Canada, Part 1: Ontario and the north side of Lake Superior
Ontario exceeded my expectations.
I was on the fence about going around the north side of Lake Superior, or about venturing through the UP. I have seen most of the UP east of Marquette a number of times. While I would like to venture further west, living in Michigan, I figured I could do that any time. So it was kind of on a whim that I decided to make the trip go around the north side of the lake, and I'm really glad I did.
The border crossing took a little while. There was a long line of cars at the Canada side of the bridge. Having a car full of stuff, and never crossed the border as an adult before, I didn't know what to expect. They did ask me to speak with an immigrations officer, which I was assured was totally normal for people entering the country the first time.
And that was fine. The longest/worst part was the waiting. I sat and waited for probably a half an hour before someone finally talked to me, and she said she had just assumed I was with the guy next to me and sorry to leave me waiting. The interview was short, basically just repeating what I had told the guy at the window outside, and that was it. They did a very brief vehicle search, I think just to make sure my story added up (I was going camping, I'd be in Canada less than a week, and I was going on a longer road trip) and I didn't have any weapons within arms reach. He opened a few containers, moved some things around, and that was it.
Right away I was put into a different head space, being in a different country, and that was the intent. Kilometers? Why are the gas prices 111.9? The road striping is a little different (but in a good way?), I was hearing the occasional person speaking french, their moose crossing signs are hilarious -- it looks like the moose is charging out into the highway. But a lot of the familiar chains were there. Their Walmart "Supercenters" are smaller than an average one in the US, but whatever. It's different, but not that different. Big trucks with flags attached to the back of them is apparently a thing there, too.
O, Canada!
Just outside of Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, the Lake Superior shoreline was already giving me goosebumps. I have seen and been in Superior many times, and the Pictured Rocks area is no joke -- but this was unlike anything I'd ever seen before. It honestly reminded me of pictures I've seen of other rocky shores in Europe. The lake is so big that it looks like an ocean, and there are huge rock formations, the shoreline is rocky and hilly, there are pieces of land jutting out into the water, islands, etc. I'm kicking myself for not stopping and getting pictures even of that, but I think the rest of the drive made up for it.
Driving through the Lake Superior Provincial Park was probably the most picturesque, and not coincidentally where I was stopping often and taking pictures. It seemed like every few miles (kilometers) there was something new to stop and take a look at. (I'll insert a big gallery with all or most of my Ontario highlights at the end of the post.)
All of the Trans-Canada Highway that I was on was great. Smooth roads, although I had to stop for construction several times, and you can tell a lot of people make it a goal of theirs to do the whole thing. I saw many other travelers, mostly Canadian but an occasional American plate. Cars, motorcycles, bikes. Actually quite a few people on bikes. I met a guy at the first rest stop I slept at who was riding from Quebec City to Vancouver.
It's interesting how different many of the parks I've been to already have been from Michigan State Parks. There is very little hand-holding. The first stop I made, a pretty good sized waterfall on the side of the highway, didn't have any guardrails or stairs or anything. You were allowed to go wherever you wanted. Out onto the rocks in the middle of the river, even. Seems like a very much Don't Be Stupid attitude, and I have to say, I like it. I'm sure these parks don't see as many people as some of the Michigan ones do. But, fewer accommodations, too. (More on that when I get to Sleeping Giant.)
Somewhere along the way, I think when I first came into Thunder Bay, I heard a mother and daughter having a conversation. It started out in French, then the daughter replied in English. And they continued conversing like that, understanding each other but still speaking the language they were most comfortable with. Never witnessed that before.
And of course, Canadian accents. Any Canadian who says they don't sound how we (Americans) think they sound is in denial. It was immediately perceptible. No, it wasn't "Eh" at the end of ever sentence. It's subtle. Different "So"s even. And the "Yah." Two different times I found myself in conversations and caught myself drifting into it. I was already aware that I do this a bit, but yeah. I was sounding proper Canadian. Put me on a hockey broadcast, I'm ready.
I stayed in Thunder Bay longer than anticipated, but mostly due to terrible/non-existent planning and lots of indicision. I criss-crossed the town several times, then backtracked way further than I should have when I went to Sleeping Giant. In all I probably put on an unnecessary 100+ miles just in that area. But lesson learned -- and that's a subject for another post.
Sleeping Giant Provincial Park was a place I wanted to go while I was doing research, but I didn't plan it well. I passed it on the way into Thunder Bay, because I wasn't ready to go when I first passed. I thought "Oh, I'll camp tomorrow." Well, tomorrow came and by the time it was noon I still wasn't ready or hadn't made up my mind. Wasn't until about 3pm that I decided I was going to do it. Took an hour to get back to the park, I took probably an hour packing up my backpack to walk in (6.5 kilos/~4 miles to my eventual campsite). I didn't end up sitting down or relaxing until almost 8.
I only paid for one night of camping. I probably should have done two. But I figured I would hike some of the trails the next day, head out, still have time to check out some of the sights, and then move on from Thunder Bay. Well, I was wrong.
The hiking was really intense, my brain wasn't converting km to miles very well, and even less well into time. I wanted to take one of the trails that went to the top of The Giant, walk part of the shoreline, and come back. Well, two hours into hiking and I wasn't even half way done with what I intended on doing that day. I eventually bumped into three people, they kind of asked my plan and where I was headed, and immediately seemed worried/doubtful. I had clearly over estimated what I could get done in a day. They said I probably could have done what I wanted to, but I wouldn't be back to my camp site until 8, 9, or 10. (Oh, and I had to be out of the park by 10 o'clock.) By then I was already low on water, only brought one snack, and the hiking was so severe (and I was alone), that I was legitmately concerned I might hurt myself, especially as fatigue set in.
Honestly, as soon as they left me I felt really embarrassed. Unprepared and unrealistic. I'm sure they didn't dwell on our conversation the way I did, but I felt like a dummy. I hiked up a little further before realizing even an abbreviated version of what I wanted to do was more than I had bargained for that day, so I turned around and walked the same route I had taken back to my campsite. I considered going for a brief swim -- but I had honestly tired myself out already, it had cooled down, and I had to soon pack up my stuff and walk out. So the nice little beach my tent was 10 feet from was sadly mostly wasted.
My legs are finally starting to feel normal. My feet feel a lot better, but my lower legs are still achy from all the hills.
---
My re-entry into the US, which I was actually told several times would be more complicated, wasn't. It was basically "Do you have anything bad?" "I have some oatmeal." "Welcome back." Slightly paraphrased.
---
Pictures
A lot of these got out of order as I uploaded them. I fixed some, but really can't be bothered with the rest. Sorry. They're all pretty. http://imgur.com/a/e9EQm
I was on the fence about going around the north side of Lake Superior, or about venturing through the UP. I have seen most of the UP east of Marquette a number of times. While I would like to venture further west, living in Michigan, I figured I could do that any time. So it was kind of on a whim that I decided to make the trip go around the north side of the lake, and I'm really glad I did.
The border crossing took a little while. There was a long line of cars at the Canada side of the bridge. Having a car full of stuff, and never crossed the border as an adult before, I didn't know what to expect. They did ask me to speak with an immigrations officer, which I was assured was totally normal for people entering the country the first time.
And that was fine. The longest/worst part was the waiting. I sat and waited for probably a half an hour before someone finally talked to me, and she said she had just assumed I was with the guy next to me and sorry to leave me waiting. The interview was short, basically just repeating what I had told the guy at the window outside, and that was it. They did a very brief vehicle search, I think just to make sure my story added up (I was going camping, I'd be in Canada less than a week, and I was going on a longer road trip) and I didn't have any weapons within arms reach. He opened a few containers, moved some things around, and that was it.
Right away I was put into a different head space, being in a different country, and that was the intent. Kilometers? Why are the gas prices 111.9? The road striping is a little different (but in a good way?), I was hearing the occasional person speaking french, their moose crossing signs are hilarious -- it looks like the moose is charging out into the highway. But a lot of the familiar chains were there. Their Walmart "Supercenters" are smaller than an average one in the US, but whatever. It's different, but not that different. Big trucks with flags attached to the back of them is apparently a thing there, too.
O, Canada!
Just outside of Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, the Lake Superior shoreline was already giving me goosebumps. I have seen and been in Superior many times, and the Pictured Rocks area is no joke -- but this was unlike anything I'd ever seen before. It honestly reminded me of pictures I've seen of other rocky shores in Europe. The lake is so big that it looks like an ocean, and there are huge rock formations, the shoreline is rocky and hilly, there are pieces of land jutting out into the water, islands, etc. I'm kicking myself for not stopping and getting pictures even of that, but I think the rest of the drive made up for it.
Driving through the Lake Superior Provincial Park was probably the most picturesque, and not coincidentally where I was stopping often and taking pictures. It seemed like every few miles (kilometers) there was something new to stop and take a look at. (I'll insert a big gallery with all or most of my Ontario highlights at the end of the post.)
All of the Trans-Canada Highway that I was on was great. Smooth roads, although I had to stop for construction several times, and you can tell a lot of people make it a goal of theirs to do the whole thing. I saw many other travelers, mostly Canadian but an occasional American plate. Cars, motorcycles, bikes. Actually quite a few people on bikes. I met a guy at the first rest stop I slept at who was riding from Quebec City to Vancouver.
It's interesting how different many of the parks I've been to already have been from Michigan State Parks. There is very little hand-holding. The first stop I made, a pretty good sized waterfall on the side of the highway, didn't have any guardrails or stairs or anything. You were allowed to go wherever you wanted. Out onto the rocks in the middle of the river, even. Seems like a very much Don't Be Stupid attitude, and I have to say, I like it. I'm sure these parks don't see as many people as some of the Michigan ones do. But, fewer accommodations, too. (More on that when I get to Sleeping Giant.)
Somewhere along the way, I think when I first came into Thunder Bay, I heard a mother and daughter having a conversation. It started out in French, then the daughter replied in English. And they continued conversing like that, understanding each other but still speaking the language they were most comfortable with. Never witnessed that before.
And of course, Canadian accents. Any Canadian who says they don't sound how we (Americans) think they sound is in denial. It was immediately perceptible. No, it wasn't "Eh" at the end of ever sentence. It's subtle. Different "So"s even. And the "Yah." Two different times I found myself in conversations and caught myself drifting into it. I was already aware that I do this a bit, but yeah. I was sounding proper Canadian. Put me on a hockey broadcast, I'm ready.
I stayed in Thunder Bay longer than anticipated, but mostly due to terrible/non-existent planning and lots of indicision. I criss-crossed the town several times, then backtracked way further than I should have when I went to Sleeping Giant. In all I probably put on an unnecessary 100+ miles just in that area. But lesson learned -- and that's a subject for another post.
Sleeping Giant Provincial Park was a place I wanted to go while I was doing research, but I didn't plan it well. I passed it on the way into Thunder Bay, because I wasn't ready to go when I first passed. I thought "Oh, I'll camp tomorrow." Well, tomorrow came and by the time it was noon I still wasn't ready or hadn't made up my mind. Wasn't until about 3pm that I decided I was going to do it. Took an hour to get back to the park, I took probably an hour packing up my backpack to walk in (6.5 kilos/~4 miles to my eventual campsite). I didn't end up sitting down or relaxing until almost 8.
I only paid for one night of camping. I probably should have done two. But I figured I would hike some of the trails the next day, head out, still have time to check out some of the sights, and then move on from Thunder Bay. Well, I was wrong.
The hiking was really intense, my brain wasn't converting km to miles very well, and even less well into time. I wanted to take one of the trails that went to the top of The Giant, walk part of the shoreline, and come back. Well, two hours into hiking and I wasn't even half way done with what I intended on doing that day. I eventually bumped into three people, they kind of asked my plan and where I was headed, and immediately seemed worried/doubtful. I had clearly over estimated what I could get done in a day. They said I probably could have done what I wanted to, but I wouldn't be back to my camp site until 8, 9, or 10. (Oh, and I had to be out of the park by 10 o'clock.) By then I was already low on water, only brought one snack, and the hiking was so severe (and I was alone), that I was legitmately concerned I might hurt myself, especially as fatigue set in.
Honestly, as soon as they left me I felt really embarrassed. Unprepared and unrealistic. I'm sure they didn't dwell on our conversation the way I did, but I felt like a dummy. I hiked up a little further before realizing even an abbreviated version of what I wanted to do was more than I had bargained for that day, so I turned around and walked the same route I had taken back to my campsite. I considered going for a brief swim -- but I had honestly tired myself out already, it had cooled down, and I had to soon pack up my stuff and walk out. So the nice little beach my tent was 10 feet from was sadly mostly wasted.
My legs are finally starting to feel normal. My feet feel a lot better, but my lower legs are still achy from all the hills.
---
My re-entry into the US, which I was actually told several times would be more complicated, wasn't. It was basically "Do you have anything bad?" "I have some oatmeal." "Welcome back." Slightly paraphrased.
---
Pictures
A lot of these got out of order as I uploaded them. I fixed some, but really can't be bothered with the rest. Sorry. They're all pretty. http://imgur.com/a/e9EQm
Some Posts Coming
Hopefully I will get some more time to sit down with my computer and unwind and reflect in the next day or so. And hopefully get some good sleep. My body is missing my comfy new mattress already, and not so much the sleeping in the car and on the ground.
Even though I stuck around Thunder Bay, ON longer than anticipated, so far I've been pretty much go-go-go. It will be nice to sit down for a while longer. I'm in the Duluth Public Library (main branch) right now -- which is huge, by the way -- but it's down town and I'm paying for parking and I already fed the meter once. I think after it expires this time I'm going to go get something to eat and maybe head to one of the smaller branches.
Anyways, at least a post reflecting on Canada coming up, then probably a "trip so far" kind of post.
I went to sleep in a super bad mood, thinking I wasn't having fun, but today I'm in better spirits.
More later.
(Oh, and I saw people call both Thunder Bay [a town of 100,000] and Duluth [80,000] "small towns." I'm in downtown Duluth and it's... pretty big. I know I'm about to see much bigger cities, but yeah. Perspective, I guess. Pretty easy to see why everyone who visits Traverse City always thinks it's so tiny. It's grown a lot since moving there in 1992 -- but yeah, I guess maybe it's pretty small.)
Even though I stuck around Thunder Bay, ON longer than anticipated, so far I've been pretty much go-go-go. It will be nice to sit down for a while longer. I'm in the Duluth Public Library (main branch) right now -- which is huge, by the way -- but it's down town and I'm paying for parking and I already fed the meter once. I think after it expires this time I'm going to go get something to eat and maybe head to one of the smaller branches.
Anyways, at least a post reflecting on Canada coming up, then probably a "trip so far" kind of post.
I went to sleep in a super bad mood, thinking I wasn't having fun, but today I'm in better spirits.
More later.
(Oh, and I saw people call both Thunder Bay [a town of 100,000] and Duluth [80,000] "small towns." I'm in downtown Duluth and it's... pretty big. I know I'm about to see much bigger cities, but yeah. Perspective, I guess. Pretty easy to see why everyone who visits Traverse City always thinks it's so tiny. It's grown a lot since moving there in 1992 -- but yeah, I guess maybe it's pretty small.)
Day 6, Mile??? - Gooseberry Falls #tonygoesonaroadtrip #roadtrip #minnesota #outdoors #waterfall
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Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Monday, July 24, 2017
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Day 2, Mile 666 - Nothing too exciting (Thunder Bay) #tonygoesonaroadtrip #roadtrip #canada #ontario
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Day 2, Mile 583 - Kama Bay #tonygoesonaroadtrip #roadtrip #canada #ontario
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Day 2, Mile 546 - Ross Port #tonygoesonaroadtrip #roadtrip #canada #ontario
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Friday, July 21, 2017
Day 1, Mile 349 - Wawa... If there was any doubt I am in Canada, it should be gone. #tonygoesonaroadtrip
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Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Monday, July 3, 2017
(Some of the reasons) Why I'm leaving
You know, the thought that you blew your 20's surprises me, because I've always looked up to your skill building abilities. You've seemed to keep very true to yourself, without being a total ass along the way.This was one of the first responses to my Facebook post about planning on leaving for this trip. And you know, she was right to an extent. Another person pointed out, pretty accurately, that it sounded like early-onset midlife crisis.
I think a wasted 20's would have been throwing yourself into shit because you felt compelled to for some BS social reason, as opposed to your heart/mind.
My twenties have just been ... interesting.
If I go back in time about ten years, to about 19-22-years-old or so, I feel like I had a really good idea of who I was. I was directionless, sure, but I had a pretty strong sense of self. Of who I was and what I believed in. I spent a lot of time listening to music, reading, writing, wandering around in the woods. None of it was "getting" me anywhere, but I guess I did what I think almost everyone does at that age: I found myself.
But in the ten years since I think I lost myself again. I spent a few years without a real job, thinking I was going to drop out and live off the land. I spent a few years learning how to make fire by rubbing sticks together. I spent a few years learning how to hunt. I spent a few years learning how to take care of a puppy. I spent a few years learning how to make bows and arrows. I spent several years riding my bike everywhere, thinking I would never own a car again, then followed that up by figuring out how I'd be able afford a car. Then another time. I spent a few years learning how to take care of my body and make myself stronger. And finally, I've spent a few years steadily employed, though mostly part time for little money, wondering if this is the way forward.
It's an eclectic, perhaps "interesting" way to spend a decade, but I don't really know that it got me anywhere. Somewhere along the way I found something that was really enriching and that I was passionate about, but over time I found the passion leaving and I've drifted out of the community. I now compromise with myself too much. I procrastinate. I rarely read books anymore. My interest in music disappears for long stretches of time. I've lost any connection I had with most of my friends. I'm probably hanging on too tightly to my past.
Then, of course, last November I had a lot of old things and feelings come back to me. Maybe it's passion, maybe it's hatred for the way things are, or anxiety about things to come. I started to feel 19 again—with some of the good things that come with being that age, and also, unfortunately, many of the less good. But with the uncertainty and directionless wandering also came a little bit of fire. A little bit of don't-give-a-fuck.
I want some of what I had when I was 19 back—and I also want some of it that I've lost to be gone forever.
One of the biggest things is that in the last ten years I don't know who I've become. And I don't really know the best way to go about figuring that out. I don't know if I want to change who I am because I'm not sure I know who I am.
Maybe driving around the country by myself won't solve any of these problems. In fact, it could create new ones. It will be a lot of time by myself, spent in self reflection. A lot of time thinking. I'm sure I will get lonely. I'm sure there will be days when I'm not having fun and I miss my dog and my bed and the comfortable groove I've been deepening day after day. But one thing is for sure: It's a big step out of my comfort zone, and I think that's basically what I need.
It will therefore, hopefully, also be a time for growth. For realization, for strength. No change occurs without a stimulus.
It will be an opportunity to see amazing places. To meet people I never would have met otherwise.
It will be an opportunity to learn from the discomfort.
Maybe I can learn who I have become.
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