(Some of the reasons) Why I'm leaving

You know, the thought that you blew your 20's surprises me, because I've always looked up to your skill building abilities. You've seemed to keep very true to yourself, without being a total ass along the way.

I think a wasted 20's would have been throwing yourself into shit because you felt compelled to for some BS social reason, as opposed to your heart/mind.

This was one of the first responses to my Facebook post about planning on leaving for this trip. And you know, she was right to an extent. Another person pointed out, pretty accurately, that it sounded like early-onset midlife crisis.

My twenties have just been ... interesting.

If I go back in time about ten years, to about 19-22-years-old or so, I feel like I had a really good idea of who I was. I was directionless, sure, but I had a pretty strong sense of self. Of who I was and what I believed in. I spent a lot of time listening to music, reading, writing, wandering around in the woods. None of it was "getting" me anywhere, but I guess I did what I think almost everyone does at that age: I found myself.

But in the ten years since I think I lost myself again. I spent a few years without a real job, thinking I was going to drop out and live off the land. I spent a few years learning how to make fire by rubbing sticks together. I spent a few years learning how to hunt. I spent a few years learning how to take care of a puppy. I spent a few years learning how to make bows and arrows. I spent several years riding my bike everywhere, thinking I would never own a car again, then followed that up by figuring out how I'd be able afford a car. Then another time. I spent a few years learning how to take care of my body and make myself stronger. And finally, I've spent a few years steadily employed, though mostly part time for little money, wondering if this is the way forward.

It's an eclectic, perhaps "interesting" way to spend a decade, but I don't really know that it got me anywhere. Somewhere along the way I found something that was really enriching and that I was passionate about, but over time I found the passion leaving and I've drifted out of the community. I now compromise with myself too much. I procrastinate. I rarely read books anymore. My interest in music disappears for long stretches of time. I've lost any connection I had with most of my friends. I'm probably hanging on too tightly to my past.

Then, of course, last November I had a lot of old things and feelings come back to me. Maybe it's passion, maybe it's hatred for the way things are, or anxiety about things to come. I started to feel 19 again—with some of the good things that come with being that age, and also, unfortunately, many of the less good. But with the uncertainty and directionless wandering also came a little bit of fire. A little bit of don't-give-a-fuck.

I want some of what I had when I was 19 back—and I also want some of it that I've lost to be gone forever.


One of the biggest things is that in the last ten years I don't know who I've become. And I don't really know the best way to go about figuring that out. I don't know if I want to change who I am because I'm not sure I know who I am.

Maybe driving around the country by myself won't solve any of these problems. In fact, it could create new ones. It will be a lot of time by myself, spent in self reflection. A lot of time thinking. I'm sure I will get lonely. I'm sure there will be days when I'm not having fun and I miss my dog and my bed and the comfortable groove I've been deepening day after day. But one thing is for sure: It's a big step out of my comfort zone, and I think that's basically what I need.


It will therefore, hopefully, also be a time for growth. For realization, for strength. No change occurs without a stimulus.

It will be an opportunity to see amazing places. To meet people I never would have met otherwise.

It will be an opportunity to learn from the discomfort.

Maybe I can learn who I have become.